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Do y'all mind if I just motherfuckin' uhhhhh *VIOLENTLY PROJECTS ONTO MY COMFORT SHIP*
Nah but seriously. This chapter is going to be the heaviest, emotionally (which is kind of odd for the first chapter), so please bear in mind that it will get lighter from here!
Kiyotaka had always felt an odd disconnect from other people. It felt as if, sometimes, they were on another planet. It did not feel as if there was a glitch in other people; instead, it was as if they were all on a completely different system. Or, rather, Taka himself was functioning on a completely different system.
He didn't completely understand what the word 'autism' meant, when he was diagnosed at four years old, even after his father had attempted to explain it to him quite a few times. Most of what he understood just boiled down to Taka being different. It was not other people who acted odd and could not socialize properly. It was him. He was the anomaly. Which was difficult to accept, but at least he had his explanation as to why he was the way he was. Why he felt that disconnect from the 'allistic' norm. ('Allistic' was another word he didn't completely understand, but he was fairly sure it referred to the people who expected him to be working on the same system as them.)
That was why Taka was different. Nothing more to worry about, regarding that.
Before the Ishimaru name was disgraced, but after Taka's autism diagnosis, Taka was sent to daycare during the day until he could go to school. He kept asking his mom and dad why, but they never gave a proper answer. (Taka learned, when he was older, that the two of them were going to group meetings for parents with autistic children, as they wanted to learn how to be better parents to Taka, now that they knew he was different.) It was mildly higher-end; they could afford that, at the time, with Taka's grandfather successful as he was in politics.
The other children there were all around his age, and, although the others often saw him as 'weird', they were still nice to him. These were the days when you asked someone their name, their age, their favorite color, and if you could be friends, in that order, and then you would be friends.
Taka was glad to have so many friends. (Even though most only really seemed to tolerate him in a kind manner.) Sometimes, he wanted to hold his friends' hand, like he saw the other children do. And with his friends that were girls, it was like second nature to grab their hand, even when the other children teased him about 'cooties' (which Taka had concluded was not real). But… With his male friends, it somehow felt different. He would reach, then jerk his hand back at the last second, his face burning with… Something.
He thought other boys felt the same way, and that was why the boys were never as affectionate with each other as the girls were. He thought all boys experienced what Taka did. He thought boys looked at Taka like he looked at them.
(They didn't.)
In elementary, rumors were circulating about his grandfather, but, at the time, Taka payed no mind to such things. To him, the most important and dramatic thing in the world was the daily whisperings between the boys in his class about the girls they would kiss. Normally, he was not invited to such conversations. He was not an outcast, but he was not friends with the other boys in his class. But when the entire 'boy's table' was chatting about a certain topic, Taka was included.
After the table stopped 'ooh'ing at the newest revelation (Koki apparently would kiss Yua, given the chance), Koki turned his gaze to Taka, trying to get the heat off of him. "What about you?"
Taka looked up from his worksheet (he felt as if he was the only one working, somehow). "What about me?"
"What girl do you want to kiss?"
Taka furrowed his eyebrows, and looked up at the ceiling, letting a soft 'uh' drone from his mouth as he thought, shifting each option in his mind considerably. Did he want to kiss any of the girls in his class? The action seemed mostly pointless, to him. Fairly unsanitary. He didn't understand why other boys wanted to kiss girls so badly, but he figured he would grow into it.
Eventually, he settled on, "I do not want to kiss any of the girls in our class," before looking back down at his work.
"You serious?"
"I am always serious."
"Well, what about… Uh, celebrities? Characters? Girls outside of class?"
Taka considered that, as well, pressing his pencil's eraser to his lips, before ending on, "I do not think I would enjoy kissing any girls. I do not find the idea appealing."
The other boys gave Taka a look; a look that he got when he had said the wrong thing in a social context. But his answer was the truth, so he quickly and lightly scolded the other boys for chatting instead of working on their assignment, before diving headfirst back into his own work. It was a lot of effort to care about behaving in a way that other people wanted him to, which was all the more effort to put into his studies.
A girl approached him around a week later, while Taka was on his own, by himself in his own corner of the playground. She sat next to him in the dirt, and Taka looked at her and away from his current book. He saluted. "What is it that I can help you with?"
Taka didn't recognize her; she must have been from another class. She tucked a strand of her red hair behind her ear. "I'm just worried for you, is all," she said in a quiet, caring voice.
"Why would that be?" Taka briefly wondered if this is about the whispering adults have been doing around his grandfather lately.
"I think that you seem kind, but you seem oblivious, too, so I wanted to tell you that… I believe some boys are getting the wrong idea about you. And spreading around those wrong ideas about you."
"Do not worry! I will report it to the teachers immediately!" Taka planted his hands into the ground to try and stand, but the girl gripped his shoulder, and kept him down.
"Just…" She shook her head, before tilting it, in a concerned expression. "You're… Not one of those, are you?"
Those?
Taka didn't know what 'one of those' meant. What were 'those'? It was so vague, but this girl had said it as if she had expected Kiyotaka to understand what she meant. Would it be rude of him to attempt to ask for clarification? If he did, would she even bother to answer, or just get frustrated?
Taka took a leap of faith, and replied with what he hoped was the correct answer. "No, I am not."
That seemed to be what she wanted to hear, because the girl sighed and placed a hand over her heart, as if relieved. "Good… It's like I thought." She reached over and gave Taka's shoulder a squeeze. "I know that you're worried word will get back to your crush, but if you want this rumor to end, just trust me and say you want to kiss a girl when the conversation comes up again. Any girl."
Taka nodded slowly, feigning understanding.
The girl stood up suddenly, and brushed off her skirt. "That's all. Feel free to tell the teacher."
Kiyotaka did tell the teacher, which lead to an animated PSA about spreading rumors being shown in class. During the PSA, two boys next to him were whispering about their mutual crush on what Taka had gathered was the most popular girl for boys to like.
She was pretty. Nice enough. She played video games and did a lot of boyish things, although she did not have much in common with Taka in particular. Somebody like that would be a good partner.
Yes, he did like her, he decided. And he whispered as much to the two boys talking.
"I like Mei, as well, but that is no excuse for talking during class!"
Kiyotaka didn't know it at the time, but he had lied. Because he was one of those. Ever-shifting, trying to hide from the world and himself. A dangerous, predatory monster hiding behind talk of 'morals', and 'traditional values', and about girls who he had convinced himself he had crushes on but felt nothing more than friendly companionship for.
But none of that was conscious.
Not yet.
Middle schoolers were demons.
Kiyotaka did not like that he thought of them that way; he did not enjoy the word 'hate', and 'demons' didn't feel like much of a step up. But, compared to the easiness (if not slight isolation) of the daycare and elementary, middle school children were terrifying. It felt as if many of Taka's middle school classmates were just barely hiding their devil tail when they heard the name 'Ishimaru' being used for Taka, with the scandal fresh on the news.
Actual demons, with an ability to tell who was different. They could tell he was 'wrong in the head' and picked on him for it, even before they had seen him with the special education teacher.
They also had some sort of sixth sense for sniffing out queer kids.
Even before the queer kids knew it themselves.
Taka heard a homophobic slur thrown at him before he knew what the word 'gay' meant.
"Hey, fag!"
Taka turned around to see he was blocking someone's way in the hallway. Before he moved out of the way, he corrected the boy. "My name is Kiyotaka! But you may just call me Taka!"
"Yeah, I know."
"Then why would you call me something that is not my name?"
"God, you're so retarded."
Now that was a word Taka was familiar with, and he bristled in his spot, although he did not lose his posture. "That is a very rude word!"
"No shit." The boy seemed to be out of patience for Taka to move, so he just shoved him aside as he walked. As for Taka, he went straight to the principal's office.
As he found out from talking with her, the word 'fag' was also very rude. She assured him the boy would get into trouble, and, if anybody else called him that word, they would be, too. Taka thanked her sincerely.
That plan had apparently backfired, because, after that rude boy (Ryusei, he learned) got in trouble, he was even more cruel to Taka than before; purposefully seeking him out to hurt him. Along with his small friend group.
And while Ryusei and his friends had stopped calling him 'fag', they had picked up 'cig'. Which, after a glance at the dictionary, Taka understood was because 'fag' was also slang for 'cigarette'. Calling him that word without using the word itself; following the rules, but both parties knew exactly what they meant by it.
They never did things that either Taka could report, or they didn't have plausible deniability for. But they tormented Taka nonetheless, and Taka couldn't do anything but stand strong and take it.
Demons.
There was a time, shortly after his grandfather lost his job, that Taka's father couldn't afford to keep Taka around anymore. Taka's mother had left, and his father was searching for a new job after losing his current one. Although he never outright said that he couldn't afford to keep Taka, the food portions and shut off electricity didn't lie.
Taka offered to move out, to his middle school's free dorms, to help with the financial burden, and it made him want to be sick. He hated lying. But he was burdening his family, so this was the correct thing to do. He was even more sure of that when he saw his father's relieved expression, and how quickly he agreed, without a single question about Taka's odd story.
There were no dorms, of course. Taka was fairly sure middle schools couldn't have dorms, and that it was a high school thing. But he could stay at his middle school. They served breakfast and lunch there, there were water fountains, and the library had a sofa. He knew that librarian let kids stay in the library after he left work, as long as the kids promised to lock up when they left.
This was fine.
Taka quickly took notice that one other student liked to regularly stay past the librarian leaving. A boy that the librarian called Asashi stayed in on Tuesdays and Thursdays, appearing to complete his homework there before reading books until 8pm on the dot each day. Sometimes, he'd throw a glance to Taka on his way out the door, with a motion that Taka was pretty sure meant, 'are you coming'? Asashi must have been fairly perplexed that Taka never left the library before he did, Taka imagined.
Over the last year of middle school, Asashi shifted from only rarely looking at Taka to see if he's leaving, to looking at Taka in general, with an expression that Taka couldn't quite read. It read as familiar, but he wasn't sure what emotion was behind it. He eventually decided that it was most likely a friendly curiosity, and, as such, when Asashi shot him that look one day, Taka spoke.
"What do you need from me, Asashi?"
Asashi seemed shocked Taka had spoke, his posture tensing before slouching again at his table, looking over to the couch where Taka was reading. "Nothin'. You're just always here. Tryna figure you out."
"You do not have to do that when you could just ask me questions!" Sometimes, Taka wondered if autistic people were really the ones who socialized oddly, when allistics had all these rules and roundabout ways of communicating when you could simply confront a person.
As such, Asashi seemed surprised by this suggestion, but went along with it. "Alright. Uh, why do ya stay here past when I leave?"
"I just stay later than you do! I have lots of work to do, and I enjoy reading." Not a lie, but it still makes Taka feel guilty.
"Yeah, duh. But… Why do you stay so late?"
"I like it here!" Still not a lie. "It's better than home." Edging closer to the truth.
Asashi chuckled. "Yeah, I'll bet. I've seen your family's stuff in the news."
"Do not worry about that! Before either of us know it, the Ishimaru name will be redeemed!" Taka puffed up his chest in pride.
"Right," Asashi said, in a tone Taka was not familiar with.
"What about you?"
"It's just easier to do homework here than it is at home. Tuesdays 'nd Thursdays, my little cousins come over to visit. They're loud."
"I see!" Very pleased to see how this conversation hadn't fallen into silence yet (as most tended to do with students in his grade), Taka gave a wide grin. "Do you need any assistance with your work?" he offered, hoping to extend this interaction. (It had been so long since Taka had a kid his age he was on a positive basis with.)
The other boy waved his hand nonchalantly. "Nah. I'm a little confused about some of it, but-"
"Then allow me to assist you!"
"I don't need any help."
"Then I would like to do my homework next to you!"
Asashi gave Taka another look he couldn't grasp, before sighing, and motioning to the chair next to him at the table. "Go nuts."
Sometimes, now, when Asashi finished his work, instead of reading, he would talk to Taka, and that made Taka giddy with happiness. Finally, his first friend in middle school! Although it had taken until his final year there, it was still elating. Taka liked everything about his new friend. The way he would extend certain syllables when speaking, his permanently half-lidded green eyes, and his blue-tinted black hair that he would often comb to one side. He found himself eagerly awaiting Tuesdays and Thursdays, and he practically exploded with a greeting whenever he saw Asashi walk into the door. He knew he was overeager, but he couldn't help it! This was his first friend in a long time.
(And that was why he couldn't get Asashi off his mind. No other reason.)
During the last month of school, though, Asashi proposed something.
"Taka, we're beeesst friends, yeah?"
His face flushed with happiness (and nothing else). "Of course we are!"
"Then if you… Ya know, broke any rules. You could tell me, yeah?"
"Do not worry, Asashi, for I have been very careful to not break any rules! I am a very dedicated member of the morals committee, after all! So do not worry about me getting into any trouble!"
"Well, maybe ya should."
Taka recoiled; a move that he knew was likely seen as overdramatic by the other boy.
"I’m serious. It's liberating. Ya can't be perfect every second of every day."
"I may not be able to be perfect, but consciously breaking a rule is not something I would enjoy doing. I would not even know which rule I would break! I find your suggestion disagreeable."
"Come oooonnn. It's like, a bonding experience or something. A secret between two dudes."
Taka gave pause to that, his eyebrows furrowing. He sort of… Enjoyed that idea. A secret for him and Asashi to share. Even if he was repulsed by his own consideration of purposefully breaking a rule, just to break it.
He looked at his friend carefully, searching for what few expressions he has memorized the meaning of. His eyes dropped to Asashi's mouth, seeing if it's curled up or pressed into a tight line…
A thought slipped out, getting past Taka's hundreds upon hundreds of subconsciously self-imposed filters, surprising himself.
I really would like to kiss him.
Which is such an odd desire to have. Yes, he could kiss Asashi. It was physically possible. But it would just be an action with no meaning behind it. Empty. It would not be out of love or romantic affection, as only a girl and a boy can kiss and have it mean something. (If it would be devoid of meaning or romance, then why is his heart in his throat?) (Because he's confused by his own thoughts, that's all. Don't think about it too hard.) (Taka had never been very good at not thinking about things too hard.)
After being silent for what was probably too long (and looking at Asashi's mouth for that amount of time, as well), Taka replied, hesitant. "I suppose that I could… Break… One rule. As a secret for us."
Asashi pumped his fist in the air. "YES, dude! So, what's up? You gonna smash something up?"
"What? No!!" Taka shook his head firmly. "That would not be liberating, that is just delinquency! A small rule."
Asashi sighed, disappointed. "Dude, you're no fun. What's the small rule?"
Taka's heart was in his throat again, and he tried to swallow it down. "Ah, public displays of affection on school grounds."
"Lame. But fine." Asashi extended his arms. "Want me to give ya a squeeze or something?"
Taka felt ridiculous, trying his best to script this interaction on the spot as he glanced away. "No, not exactly."
"Then what?"
Taka fidgeted with his hands for a moment, until he was done running through the outcomes in his head, and he looked at Asashi with some sort of determination. "I do not fully understand why, but the purpose of this is being liberating, so I will give in to these desires I do not comprehend! I would really like to kiss you!"
Asashi made yet another expression Taka did not understand, but he is fairly certain he catches some surprise in it. "You for real?"
"I am always 'for real'!"
"Yeah. Shoulda figured." Asashi huffed. "Alright, if this is what it takes to get ya to loosen up, you can give me one smooch."
Taka tried to not look too elated, but he wears his heart on his sleeve, so he doubts he succeeds in masking his excitement. (He's elated because of the adrenaline of breaking a rule, that's all.) At the obvious realization Asashi was not going to initiate, Taka tentatively placed his hand on the back of his friend's head, like he was afraid of touching him incorrectly. And, a stark contrast to how nervously he had done that, he quickly moved closer to Asashi, not wanting to lose his nerve, to press their lips together.
Taka vaguely registers that this is his first kiss.
He's not experienced and he has no idea what in the world he is doing, but, for whatever reason, that doesn't make him nervous. He's taking mental notes, as diligent with this as he is with any other subject he decides to study. Taka doesn't notice how Asashi freezes up and how his fists clench, like he truly is just putting up with something he hates. He's too happy to notice.
Because, sometime in between the endless harassment and bottomless terror of middle school, Taka found a small, secret moment to be himself.
On his way home from the final day of middle school, a few weeks later, Taka is greeted by Asashi, and a few other boys; the first time Taka had seen him outside of the library. Taka lit up, and waved to the small group. "Good evening! I hope that you are all looking forward to your vacations! May I assume this is a friend group of Asashi's?"
"Yeah," one of them says flatly.
Taka nodded. "Wonderful! I hope we can all get along, seeing as Asashi is my good friend, as well!"
"Really?"
That was Asashi.
Taka felt a sharp pang of of cold worry, but he brushed it off. "Really! I am your best friend! You said so yourself, do you remember?"
Asashi lifted a hand to his mouth, holding back a chuckle. "Dude, ya seriously believed that shit?"
Taka froze.
"Are ya sarcasm-deaf or somethin'?"
His hands started to shake.
"Ya just plopped down next to me one day and made yourself an annoyance. Ya wouldn't chill out and leave me alone."
He felt dizzy.
"Thought I could try and get ya to fuck up and break a rule, do a favor for Ryusei."
Ryusei.
"But all ya wanted to do was make out with me."
Oh no.
"Couldn't get ya to break a rule bad enough to report ya, but I learned that Ryusei's intuition was right."
Don't say it, please don't say it, please-
"You are a fag."
Fuck. That was a word Taka tried to stay away from, even in his head, but it was all he could think. He glanced around at Asashi's friends, but they don't seem shocked. Asashi told them beforehand. About that... Moment. Where Taka thought... He was finally safe-
Who else had Asashi told?
His friends were approaching him. They weren't on school grounds. The school year was over. They couldn't get in trouble for this. The threat of being reported wasn't going to hold them back now.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK.
He naturally tried to dart away, but one member of the group grabbed him by his backpack and pulled him back, then onto the ground. He shut his eyes tight, bracing himself as he tried to get up over and over, but was kicked or punched back down each time, until every bit of his body ached and he couldn't tell what was sweat and what was blood. The cherry on top was the immediate sensory overload; with the kids beating him up screaming as they hurt him, which rendered him even more helpless than he would have been in any other scenario, as he felt the intense urge to cover his ears rather than defending himself.
And he could defend himself. He was strong, but he likely couldn't take (how many of these kids were there?) 5 or 6 people at once. And even if he could, he quite disliked fighting, even in self-defense. Even still, his legs frantically kicked, getting in contact every once and a while; with one of the kid's faces, at one point, he thinks. And he also punches where he can manage it, doing a sufficient amount of damage with that, too. But, for the most part, the sensory overload lent him much weaker than he would be under normal circumstances.
The words he could manage to register stung bad, and, even when he started to go numb from the pain, the red-hot shame pierced through his chest over and over again. That part of this incident never numbed or let up, even after it had ended hours, weeks, months ago. The shame was always fresh and debilitating.
You kissed a boy, you freak.
After some time passed (Taka is not quite sure how much time), he heard another voice; a new one; and he tried to focus in on listening again.
"-Ay, ay, ay! Whadda HELL do you lot think yer doin'?!"
If Taka thought Asashi sounded rough around the edges, this man's speaking pattern was like sandpaper. And... It was a man, and not a child like them, as he learned almost immediately after. He opened one eye to see a large, rather buff man pulling Asashi's friends off of him, and they seemed tiny in his arms.
After the other kids stopped trying to get at him, the man huffed, running a hand through his large black hair. "Christ, ya kids got a lotta energy. Love the energy, not the homophobia. Go punch a punchin' bag or somethin', shit."
Slowly, Taka sat up, still dizzy, until he was shifting onto his feet and standing up, along with the rest of the group.
"So, what we're gonna do is we're gonna let Red Eyes get a head start on 'is way home, an' then you lot are going to go to yer homes. An' then, you lot are gonna fuck off an' leave this kid alone. Got it?"
Taka is mildly surprised to see the group mumble a clearly displeased, "Got it," in return, and he wonders if they agreed because they were satisfied with the damage they had done to Taka, or if it was because this strong, intimidating man was giving them a look that could kill. Probably both.
The man laughed. "Good!" He slapped Taka on the back, and Taka was glad he hadn't been hurt too badly there. "A'ight, on yer way, then!"
Taka stood up straighter than he already stood naturally, and quickly saluted the man. "Yes, of course! Thank you very much, sir!" He adjusted his backpack on his shoulders before quickly walking away, not wanting his assailants to see him running away from them.
Not very far on his way away from them, Taka turned a corner and passed a boy, who he thought was his age, but it was hard to tell. The younger boy was very similar to the man, in stature, hairstyle, and intimidating energy, and he was standing in such a way that it was clear that he was listening or watching the confrontation from around the corner, and, judging by the two motorcycles parked next to each other, had stopped when riding with the man.
Taka stopped his fast-walking, and paused, making eye contact with the boy. He had planned on saying something when he had stopped. Something like, 'I can actually defend myself; I was merely overwhelmed,' or, 'who is he?', in reference to the man with black hair. Or even, 'I'm not what they said I am. I simply made a mistake.'
But, somehow, it died in his throat. He was tired. So tired.
The boy's eyes were violet.
Taka thought that something clicked when they silently stared at each other, but he refused to think about it, quickly turning back to his journey home, just as fast as he had stopped.
(He knew what had clicked. They recognized each other. Not in the 'I know you' sense. But in the, 'I am like you,' sense.)
(But if he admitted that, he would have to admit what he had seen in that biker which he had identified with. And he wasn't. He didn't. He couldn't.)
(He simply made a mistake.)
I'm not gonna let my ADHD hellbrain not finish this, guys! Expect a new chapter... Uh... In a week? Yeah, a week is reasonable.
Do y'all mind if I just motherfuckin' uhhhhh *VIOLENTLY PROJECTS ONTO MY COMFORT SHIP*
Nah but seriously. This chapter is going to be the heaviest, emotionally (which is kind of odd for the first chapter), so please bear in mind that it will get lighter from here!
Zemblanity (n.) The eventual discovery of what we'd rather not know
Kiyotaka had always felt an odd disconnect from other people. It felt as if, sometimes, they were on another planet. It did not feel as if there was a glitch in other people; instead, it was as if they were all on a completely different system. Or, rather, Taka himself was functioning on a completely different system.
He didn't completely understand what the word 'autism' meant, when he was diagnosed at four years old, even after his father had attempted to explain it to him quite a few times. Most of what he understood just boiled down to Taka being different. It was not other people who acted odd and could not socialize properly. It was him. He was the anomaly. Which was difficult to accept, but at least he had his explanation as to why he was the way he was. Why he felt that disconnect from the 'allistic' norm. ('Allistic' was another word he didn't completely understand, but he was fairly sure it referred to the people who expected him to be working on the same system as them.)
That was why Taka was different. Nothing more to worry about, regarding that.
Before the Ishimaru name was disgraced, but after Taka's autism diagnosis, Taka was sent to daycare during the day until he could go to school. He kept asking his mom and dad why, but they never gave a proper answer. (Taka learned, when he was older, that the two of them were going to group meetings for parents with autistic children, as they wanted to learn how to be better parents to Taka, now that they knew he was different.) It was mildly higher-end; they could afford that, at the time, with Taka's grandfather successful as he was in politics.
The other children there were all around his age, and, although the others often saw him as 'weird', they were still nice to him. These were the days when you asked someone their name, their age, their favorite color, and if you could be friends, in that order, and then you would be friends.
Taka was glad to have so many friends. (Even though most only really seemed to tolerate him in a kind manner.) Sometimes, he wanted to hold his friends' hand, like he saw the other children do. And with his friends that were girls, it was like second nature to grab their hand, even when the other children teased him about 'cooties' (which Taka had concluded was not real). But… With his male friends, it somehow felt different. He would reach, then jerk his hand back at the last second, his face burning with… Something.
He thought other boys felt the same way, and that was why the boys were never as affectionate with each other as the girls were. He thought all boys experienced what Taka did. He thought boys looked at Taka like he looked at them.
(They didn't.)
In elementary, rumors were circulating about his grandfather, but, at the time, Taka payed no mind to such things. To him, the most important and dramatic thing in the world was the daily whisperings between the boys in his class about the girls they would kiss. Normally, he was not invited to such conversations. He was not an outcast, but he was not friends with the other boys in his class. But when the entire 'boy's table' was chatting about a certain topic, Taka was included.
After the table stopped 'ooh'ing at the newest revelation (Koki apparently would kiss Yua, given the chance), Koki turned his gaze to Taka, trying to get the heat off of him. "What about you?"
Taka looked up from his worksheet (he felt as if he was the only one working, somehow). "What about me?"
"What girl do you want to kiss?"
Taka furrowed his eyebrows, and looked up at the ceiling, letting a soft 'uh' drone from his mouth as he thought, shifting each option in his mind considerably. Did he want to kiss any of the girls in his class? The action seemed mostly pointless, to him. Fairly unsanitary. He didn't understand why other boys wanted to kiss girls so badly, but he figured he would grow into it.
Eventually, he settled on, "I do not want to kiss any of the girls in our class," before looking back down at his work.
"You serious?"
"I am always serious."
"Well, what about… Uh, celebrities? Characters? Girls outside of class?"
Taka considered that, as well, pressing his pencil's eraser to his lips, before ending on, "I do not think I would enjoy kissing any girls. I do not find the idea appealing."
The other boys gave Taka a look; a look that he got when he had said the wrong thing in a social context. But his answer was the truth, so he quickly and lightly scolded the other boys for chatting instead of working on their assignment, before diving headfirst back into his own work. It was a lot of effort to care about behaving in a way that other people wanted him to, which was all the more effort to put into his studies.
A girl approached him around a week later, while Taka was on his own, by himself in his own corner of the playground. She sat next to him in the dirt, and Taka looked at her and away from his current book. He saluted. "What is it that I can help you with?"
Taka didn't recognize her; she must have been from another class. She tucked a strand of her red hair behind her ear. "I'm just worried for you, is all," she said in a quiet, caring voice.
"Why would that be?" Taka briefly wondered if this is about the whispering adults have been doing around his grandfather lately.
"I think that you seem kind, but you seem oblivious, too, so I wanted to tell you that… I believe some boys are getting the wrong idea about you. And spreading around those wrong ideas about you."
"Do not worry! I will report it to the teachers immediately!" Taka planted his hands into the ground to try and stand, but the girl gripped his shoulder, and kept him down.
"Just…" She shook her head, before tilting it, in a concerned expression. "You're… Not one of those, are you?"
Those?
Taka didn't know what 'one of those' meant. What were 'those'? It was so vague, but this girl had said it as if she had expected Kiyotaka to understand what she meant. Would it be rude of him to attempt to ask for clarification? If he did, would she even bother to answer, or just get frustrated?
Taka took a leap of faith, and replied with what he hoped was the correct answer. "No, I am not."
That seemed to be what she wanted to hear, because the girl sighed and placed a hand over her heart, as if relieved. "Good… It's like I thought." She reached over and gave Taka's shoulder a squeeze. "I know that you're worried word will get back to your crush, but if you want this rumor to end, just trust me and say you want to kiss a girl when the conversation comes up again. Any girl."
Taka nodded slowly, feigning understanding.
The girl stood up suddenly, and brushed off her skirt. "That's all. Feel free to tell the teacher."
Kiyotaka did tell the teacher, which lead to an animated PSA about spreading rumors being shown in class. During the PSA, two boys next to him were whispering about their mutual crush on what Taka had gathered was the most popular girl for boys to like.
She was pretty. Nice enough. She played video games and did a lot of boyish things, although she did not have much in common with Taka in particular. Somebody like that would be a good partner.
Yes, he did like her, he decided. And he whispered as much to the two boys talking.
"I like Mei, as well, but that is no excuse for talking during class!"
Kiyotaka didn't know it at the time, but he had lied. Because he was one of those. Ever-shifting, trying to hide from the world and himself. A dangerous, predatory monster hiding behind talk of 'morals', and 'traditional values', and about girls who he had convinced himself he had crushes on but felt nothing more than friendly companionship for.
But none of that was conscious.
Not yet.
Middle schoolers were demons.
Kiyotaka did not like that he thought of them that way; he did not enjoy the word 'hate', and 'demons' didn't feel like much of a step up. But, compared to the easiness (if not slight isolation) of the daycare and elementary, middle school children were terrifying. It felt as if many of Taka's middle school classmates were just barely hiding their devil tail when they heard the name 'Ishimaru' being used for Taka, with the scandal fresh on the news.
Actual demons, with an ability to tell who was different. They could tell he was 'wrong in the head' and picked on him for it, even before they had seen him with the special education teacher.
They also had some sort of sixth sense for sniffing out queer kids.
Even before the queer kids knew it themselves.
Taka heard a homophobic slur thrown at him before he knew what the word 'gay' meant.
"Hey, fag!"
Taka turned around to see he was blocking someone's way in the hallway. Before he moved out of the way, he corrected the boy. "My name is Kiyotaka! But you may just call me Taka!"
"Yeah, I know."
"Then why would you call me something that is not my name?"
"God, you're so retarded."
Now that was a word Taka was familiar with, and he bristled in his spot, although he did not lose his posture. "That is a very rude word!"
"No shit." The boy seemed to be out of patience for Taka to move, so he just shoved him aside as he walked. As for Taka, he went straight to the principal's office.
As he found out from talking with her, the word 'fag' was also very rude. She assured him the boy would get into trouble, and, if anybody else called him that word, they would be, too. Taka thanked her sincerely.
That plan had apparently backfired, because, after that rude boy (Ryusei, he learned) got in trouble, he was even more cruel to Taka than before; purposefully seeking him out to hurt him. Along with his small friend group.
And while Ryusei and his friends had stopped calling him 'fag', they had picked up 'cig'. Which, after a glance at the dictionary, Taka understood was because 'fag' was also slang for 'cigarette'. Calling him that word without using the word itself; following the rules, but both parties knew exactly what they meant by it.
They never did things that either Taka could report, or they didn't have plausible deniability for. But they tormented Taka nonetheless, and Taka couldn't do anything but stand strong and take it.
Demons.
There was a time, shortly after his grandfather lost his job, that Taka's father couldn't afford to keep Taka around anymore. Taka's mother had left, and his father was searching for a new job after losing his current one. Although he never outright said that he couldn't afford to keep Taka, the food portions and shut off electricity didn't lie.
Taka offered to move out, to his middle school's free dorms, to help with the financial burden, and it made him want to be sick. He hated lying. But he was burdening his family, so this was the correct thing to do. He was even more sure of that when he saw his father's relieved expression, and how quickly he agreed, without a single question about Taka's odd story.
There were no dorms, of course. Taka was fairly sure middle schools couldn't have dorms, and that it was a high school thing. But he could stay at his middle school. They served breakfast and lunch there, there were water fountains, and the library had a sofa. He knew that librarian let kids stay in the library after he left work, as long as the kids promised to lock up when they left.
This was fine.
Taka quickly took notice that one other student liked to regularly stay past the librarian leaving. A boy that the librarian called Asashi stayed in on Tuesdays and Thursdays, appearing to complete his homework there before reading books until 8pm on the dot each day. Sometimes, he'd throw a glance to Taka on his way out the door, with a motion that Taka was pretty sure meant, 'are you coming'? Asashi must have been fairly perplexed that Taka never left the library before he did, Taka imagined.
Over the last year of middle school, Asashi shifted from only rarely looking at Taka to see if he's leaving, to looking at Taka in general, with an expression that Taka couldn't quite read. It read as familiar, but he wasn't sure what emotion was behind it. He eventually decided that it was most likely a friendly curiosity, and, as such, when Asashi shot him that look one day, Taka spoke.
"What do you need from me, Asashi?"
Asashi seemed shocked Taka had spoke, his posture tensing before slouching again at his table, looking over to the couch where Taka was reading. "Nothin'. You're just always here. Tryna figure you out."
"You do not have to do that when you could just ask me questions!" Sometimes, Taka wondered if autistic people were really the ones who socialized oddly, when allistics had all these rules and roundabout ways of communicating when you could simply confront a person.
As such, Asashi seemed surprised by this suggestion, but went along with it. "Alright. Uh, why do ya stay here past when I leave?"
"I just stay later than you do! I have lots of work to do, and I enjoy reading." Not a lie, but it still makes Taka feel guilty.
"Yeah, duh. But… Why do you stay so late?"
"I like it here!" Still not a lie. "It's better than home." Edging closer to the truth.
Asashi chuckled. "Yeah, I'll bet. I've seen your family's stuff in the news."
"Do not worry about that! Before either of us know it, the Ishimaru name will be redeemed!" Taka puffed up his chest in pride.
"Right," Asashi said, in a tone Taka was not familiar with.
"What about you?"
"It's just easier to do homework here than it is at home. Tuesdays 'nd Thursdays, my little cousins come over to visit. They're loud."
"I see!" Very pleased to see how this conversation hadn't fallen into silence yet (as most tended to do with students in his grade), Taka gave a wide grin. "Do you need any assistance with your work?" he offered, hoping to extend this interaction. (It had been so long since Taka had a kid his age he was on a positive basis with.)
The other boy waved his hand nonchalantly. "Nah. I'm a little confused about some of it, but-"
"Then allow me to assist you!"
"I don't need any help."
"Then I would like to do my homework next to you!"
Asashi gave Taka another look he couldn't grasp, before sighing, and motioning to the chair next to him at the table. "Go nuts."
Sometimes, now, when Asashi finished his work, instead of reading, he would talk to Taka, and that made Taka giddy with happiness. Finally, his first friend in middle school! Although it had taken until his final year there, it was still elating. Taka liked everything about his new friend. The way he would extend certain syllables when speaking, his permanently half-lidded green eyes, and his blue-tinted black hair that he would often comb to one side. He found himself eagerly awaiting Tuesdays and Thursdays, and he practically exploded with a greeting whenever he saw Asashi walk into the door. He knew he was overeager, but he couldn't help it! This was his first friend in a long time.
(And that was why he couldn't get Asashi off his mind. No other reason.)
During the last month of school, though, Asashi proposed something.
"Taka, we're beeesst friends, yeah?"
His face flushed with happiness (and nothing else). "Of course we are!"
"Then if you… Ya know, broke any rules. You could tell me, yeah?"
"Do not worry, Asashi, for I have been very careful to not break any rules! I am a very dedicated member of the morals committee, after all! So do not worry about me getting into any trouble!"
"Well, maybe ya should."
Taka recoiled; a move that he knew was likely seen as overdramatic by the other boy.
"I’m serious. It's liberating. Ya can't be perfect every second of every day."
"I may not be able to be perfect, but consciously breaking a rule is not something I would enjoy doing. I would not even know which rule I would break! I find your suggestion disagreeable."
"Come oooonnn. It's like, a bonding experience or something. A secret between two dudes."
Taka gave pause to that, his eyebrows furrowing. He sort of… Enjoyed that idea. A secret for him and Asashi to share. Even if he was repulsed by his own consideration of purposefully breaking a rule, just to break it.
He looked at his friend carefully, searching for what few expressions he has memorized the meaning of. His eyes dropped to Asashi's mouth, seeing if it's curled up or pressed into a tight line…
A thought slipped out, getting past Taka's hundreds upon hundreds of subconsciously self-imposed filters, surprising himself.
I really would like to kiss him.
Which is such an odd desire to have. Yes, he could kiss Asashi. It was physically possible. But it would just be an action with no meaning behind it. Empty. It would not be out of love or romantic affection, as only a girl and a boy can kiss and have it mean something. (If it would be devoid of meaning or romance, then why is his heart in his throat?) (Because he's confused by his own thoughts, that's all. Don't think about it too hard.) (Taka had never been very good at not thinking about things too hard.)
After being silent for what was probably too long (and looking at Asashi's mouth for that amount of time, as well), Taka replied, hesitant. "I suppose that I could… Break… One rule. As a secret for us."
Asashi pumped his fist in the air. "YES, dude! So, what's up? You gonna smash something up?"
"What? No!!" Taka shook his head firmly. "That would not be liberating, that is just delinquency! A small rule."
Asashi sighed, disappointed. "Dude, you're no fun. What's the small rule?"
Taka's heart was in his throat again, and he tried to swallow it down. "Ah, public displays of affection on school grounds."
"Lame. But fine." Asashi extended his arms. "Want me to give ya a squeeze or something?"
Taka felt ridiculous, trying his best to script this interaction on the spot as he glanced away. "No, not exactly."
"Then what?"
Taka fidgeted with his hands for a moment, until he was done running through the outcomes in his head, and he looked at Asashi with some sort of determination. "I do not fully understand why, but the purpose of this is being liberating, so I will give in to these desires I do not comprehend! I would really like to kiss you!"
Asashi made yet another expression Taka did not understand, but he is fairly certain he catches some surprise in it. "You for real?"
"I am always 'for real'!"
"Yeah. Shoulda figured." Asashi huffed. "Alright, if this is what it takes to get ya to loosen up, you can give me one smooch."
Taka tried to not look too elated, but he wears his heart on his sleeve, so he doubts he succeeds in masking his excitement. (He's elated because of the adrenaline of breaking a rule, that's all.) At the obvious realization Asashi was not going to initiate, Taka tentatively placed his hand on the back of his friend's head, like he was afraid of touching him incorrectly. And, a stark contrast to how nervously he had done that, he quickly moved closer to Asashi, not wanting to lose his nerve, to press their lips together.
Taka vaguely registers that this is his first kiss.
He's not experienced and he has no idea what in the world he is doing, but, for whatever reason, that doesn't make him nervous. He's taking mental notes, as diligent with this as he is with any other subject he decides to study. Taka doesn't notice how Asashi freezes up and how his fists clench, like he truly is just putting up with something he hates. He's too happy to notice.
Because, sometime in between the endless harassment and bottomless terror of middle school, Taka found a small, secret moment to be himself.
On his way home from the final day of middle school, a few weeks later, Taka is greeted by Asashi, and a few other boys; the first time Taka had seen him outside of the library. Taka lit up, and waved to the small group. "Good evening! I hope that you are all looking forward to your vacations! May I assume this is a friend group of Asashi's?"
"Yeah," one of them says flatly.
Taka nodded. "Wonderful! I hope we can all get along, seeing as Asashi is my good friend, as well!"
"Really?"
That was Asashi.
Taka felt a sharp pang of of cold worry, but he brushed it off. "Really! I am your best friend! You said so yourself, do you remember?"
Asashi lifted a hand to his mouth, holding back a chuckle. "Dude, ya seriously believed that shit?"
Taka froze.
"Are ya sarcasm-deaf or somethin'?"
His hands started to shake.
"Ya just plopped down next to me one day and made yourself an annoyance. Ya wouldn't chill out and leave me alone."
He felt dizzy.
"Thought I could try and get ya to fuck up and break a rule, do a favor for Ryusei."
Ryusei.
"But all ya wanted to do was make out with me."
Oh no.
"Couldn't get ya to break a rule bad enough to report ya, but I learned that Ryusei's intuition was right."
Don't say it, please don't say it, please-
"You are a fag."
Fuck. That was a word Taka tried to stay away from, even in his head, but it was all he could think. He glanced around at Asashi's friends, but they don't seem shocked. Asashi told them beforehand. About that... Moment. Where Taka thought... He was finally safe-
Who else had Asashi told?
His friends were approaching him. They weren't on school grounds. The school year was over. They couldn't get in trouble for this. The threat of being reported wasn't going to hold them back now.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK.
He naturally tried to dart away, but one member of the group grabbed him by his backpack and pulled him back, then onto the ground. He shut his eyes tight, bracing himself as he tried to get up over and over, but was kicked or punched back down each time, until every bit of his body ached and he couldn't tell what was sweat and what was blood. The cherry on top was the immediate sensory overload; with the kids beating him up screaming as they hurt him, which rendered him even more helpless than he would have been in any other scenario, as he felt the intense urge to cover his ears rather than defending himself.
And he could defend himself. He was strong, but he likely couldn't take (how many of these kids were there?) 5 or 6 people at once. And even if he could, he quite disliked fighting, even in self-defense. Even still, his legs frantically kicked, getting in contact every once and a while; with one of the kid's faces, at one point, he thinks. And he also punches where he can manage it, doing a sufficient amount of damage with that, too. But, for the most part, the sensory overload lent him much weaker than he would be under normal circumstances.
The words he could manage to register stung bad, and, even when he started to go numb from the pain, the red-hot shame pierced through his chest over and over again. That part of this incident never numbed or let up, even after it had ended hours, weeks, months ago. The shame was always fresh and debilitating.
You kissed a boy, you freak.
After some time passed (Taka is not quite sure how much time), he heard another voice; a new one; and he tried to focus in on listening again.
"-Ay, ay, ay! Whadda HELL do you lot think yer doin'?!"
If Taka thought Asashi sounded rough around the edges, this man's speaking pattern was like sandpaper. And... It was a man, and not a child like them, as he learned almost immediately after. He opened one eye to see a large, rather buff man pulling Asashi's friends off of him, and they seemed tiny in his arms.
After the other kids stopped trying to get at him, the man huffed, running a hand through his large black hair. "Christ, ya kids got a lotta energy. Love the energy, not the homophobia. Go punch a punchin' bag or somethin', shit."
Slowly, Taka sat up, still dizzy, until he was shifting onto his feet and standing up, along with the rest of the group.
"So, what we're gonna do is we're gonna let Red Eyes get a head start on 'is way home, an' then you lot are going to go to yer homes. An' then, you lot are gonna fuck off an' leave this kid alone. Got it?"
Taka is mildly surprised to see the group mumble a clearly displeased, "Got it," in return, and he wonders if they agreed because they were satisfied with the damage they had done to Taka, or if it was because this strong, intimidating man was giving them a look that could kill. Probably both.
The man laughed. "Good!" He slapped Taka on the back, and Taka was glad he hadn't been hurt too badly there. "A'ight, on yer way, then!"
Taka stood up straighter than he already stood naturally, and quickly saluted the man. "Yes, of course! Thank you very much, sir!" He adjusted his backpack on his shoulders before quickly walking away, not wanting his assailants to see him running away from them.
Not very far on his way away from them, Taka turned a corner and passed a boy, who he thought was his age, but it was hard to tell. The younger boy was very similar to the man, in stature, hairstyle, and intimidating energy, and he was standing in such a way that it was clear that he was listening or watching the confrontation from around the corner, and, judging by the two motorcycles parked next to each other, had stopped when riding with the man.
Taka stopped his fast-walking, and paused, making eye contact with the boy. He had planned on saying something when he had stopped. Something like, 'I can actually defend myself; I was merely overwhelmed,' or, 'who is he?', in reference to the man with black hair. Or even, 'I'm not what they said I am. I simply made a mistake.'
But, somehow, it died in his throat. He was tired. So tired.
The boy's eyes were violet.
Taka thought that something clicked when they silently stared at each other, but he refused to think about it, quickly turning back to his journey home, just as fast as he had stopped.
(He knew what had clicked. They recognized each other. Not in the 'I know you' sense. But in the, 'I am like you,' sense.)
(But if he admitted that, he would have to admit what he had seen in that biker which he had identified with. And he wasn't. He didn't. He couldn't.)
(He simply made a mistake.)
I'm not gonna let my ADHD hellbrain not finish this, guys! Expect a new chapter... Uh... In a week? Yeah, a week is reasonable.
