Danganronpa | Unhuman
Jun. 26th, 2024 01:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fairyficRating: T
Fandom: Danganronpa
Characters: Gundham Tanaka, Gundham Tanaka's Mother (mentioned)
Words: 4,635
Content Warnings: Implied bullying
Tropes: Nonbinary Character (Gundham Tanaka), Autistic Character (Gundham Tanaka), Gender Dysphoria, Character Study, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: There were ways to die that didn't imply permanence. The lonely boy that Gundham Tanaka used to be died long ago, and was reborn as a demon. Despite this, Gundham was cursed with having to be raised amongst the mortals present on planet Earth, and, more specifically, the expectations of a mortal placed upon them.
(Or: middle school-age Gundham Tanaka explaining their gender dysphoria and neurodivergence through the lens of their grandiose self-image.)
This was written late last year, as my contribution to the "Transitioning to Joy" trans Danganronpa zine! I'm very excited to share it.
Also, yes, another fic where I use being nonhuman as a means of exploring deviations from the norm. I will not grow! I will not change! And expect even more in the future!
When you are presented with only two options for being, and neither appeals to you, sometimes, one doesn't seek out a third option. Instead, one may look for why it is that they are unhappy with the two options presented. Everyone around them has picked one or the other without a problem, after all. But they keep arriving back at this question. From where does this sense of the distortion of the self originate? Why is it that they cannot connect to those around them? Why are they unable to look at their physical form without revulsion?
The idea of having a human form, of any gender, ready to be perceived and judged, disgusts them.
Of course. Of course.
The common denominator is humanity.
Gundham Tanaka; otherwise known as the Supreme Overlord of Ice, Tanaka the Forbidden One, et cetera; was cursed with powers from the underworld, due to them being born a child of both Heaven and Hell. They were cursed to be shunned by humanity, cursed with poisoned flesh... But, most of all, cursed with having to be raised amongst the pathetic human race.
For a while, Gundham couldn't be bothered to do anything with their corporeal form. Even if it was what humans would perceive them by, they began to feel less and less of a desire to attempt to make themself appear presentable. What did it matter? They were always just going to look like what they disguised themself as, in the end. Just a 14-year-old human male.
But, recently, they had begun to get up early to give themself time to fuss over their appearance a bit. They had found ways to spark some sort of joy with their appearance, even if it was always going to resemble that of a male human.
It had begun when they had gone up to scratch their own face one day, and froze when they felt a new texture. From then on, they began to almost obsessively shave their face every morning, whether they needed it or not. That evolved into actual attempts to do something with their hair, which led to now; putting on the baggiest clothes they could manage, painting their nails black (sometimes resorting to Sharpie, if their nail polish couldn't be found), and basically anything else they could manage to find joy in what they saw in the mirror.
Demons are the only ones who can see their own reflections. They are a bit like vampires, in that way... But they all pretend that they can't see their reflection. Each for their own reasons.
Gundham left the bathroom after getting ready, and closed the door behind them.
They noticed a field rabbit on their way to school.
It wasn't just their own human form from which Gundham felt a distance from. It was also present with their human peers, as well.
It only made sense, of course. There was no attempt to hide that Gundham was considered extremely odd, even from Gundham themself. Those around Gundham saw through them; they had known Gundham was not of their kind before Gundham had figured it out themself. They were Other, and, for that reason, those around them constantly searched for reasons to deny them their humanity. Gundham struggled to fit in with their male peers. Their female ones shied away on principle of their human form's appearance. And all of Gundham's peers, regardless of gender, told Gundham that they were valued (because who would openly admit to not valuing another human?), but treated them as if they were not. They were not 'human'. Instead, they were 'weird', 'too loud', 'too much'. They didn't look or act like boys were supposed to; or, really, how anyone of any gender was supposed to.
Eventually, this solitude starved the young human boy that Gundham used to be to his death. They buried him in their backyard in secret.
That boy had been just so lonely. You know?
He had been just so, so lonely.
There were ways to die that didn't imply permanence. Gundham was reborn as the demon they were now from that past self. And when they look back at the human that they used to be, they wonder how it was that they kept him alive for so long.
They supposed it didn't matter. Their souls would become one, once they reunited in Gehenna. And Gundham wasn't “too loud” anymore, out of a self-conscious disgust for their continuously deepening voice.
Gundham tried to honor the young boy's legacy by avoiding the peers that starved him whenever they could manage. Especially physical education classes. They had always felt awkward in the men's locker room, and, nowadays, felt even more so due to having to change into clothes with fewer layers, less coverage.
Very few humans would give the time of day to a demon. But, of the mortals in their middle school, there were a few who extended their hand, in spite of Gundham’s own poisoned flesh. Of those included the nurse, who Gundham visited every day, when it was time for physical education.
She smiled when she saw Gundham, and they felt as if such an expression was meant for someone else. “Hello, Tanaka!” (Gundham wouldn't have minded if she called them their first name, but never corrected her.) “Is it the usual issue?”
'The usual issue,' of course, being nausea. It was Gundham's go-to excuse to camp in the infirmary. You could disprove many claims to injury, but you couldn't disprove one feeling nauseous. Gundham nodded in response. “Indeed.”
The nurse grinned again; this time, with a knowing sort of slant to it. She seemed to know that Gundham wasn't actually sick every day, at the same time, with the same issue... She just allowed it. Understood it.
This extent of understanding, without any push for more information, was why she was a member of their tribe.
“Well, lay down and I'll get you some water and crackers.”
Ah, that reminded them. They needed to ask to trade some of their mother's own poisonous food for a bit of lettuce at lunch. (Or maybe, they could get lettuce in exchange for not giving a student their mother's food.)
Gundham’s last class was their favorite. Especially on days when the animal raising committee wasn't meeting after school, like today. This is because of the tiny, palm-sized demon beast, barely contained by a cage next to the teacher's desk.
Gundham had become so disconnected from their body and their peers that humanity was often an afterthought to them. Instead, they sought out the company of beasts. The animals of this realm; often also outcast or mistreated for being less than human. But, in spite of that, the beasts proved far more trustworthy than humans. Gundham understood these creatures on another level; resonating with each species for one reason or another. Cats, for being expected to behave like dogs, and being hated when they instead act as their own beings. Bears, for their fierce desire to protect those they love. And rodents, perhaps, most of all, for being misjudged by their appearance. Seen as powerless and dismissed due to their small size.
On their way home that day, Gundham sought out the field rabbit that they had seen before. They found it rather quickly, camping out in a small bush near where it had been previously. Upon locking eyes with the beast, it poised to run, and Gundham froze in place, with the exception of reaching into their jacket pocket to pull out the bit of lettuce that they had gotten from their peer.
Once the rabbit's ears had perked forward a bit, showing relaxation, Gundham began to approach, small steps at a time, and holding out the treat. “Good girl,” they muttered, keeping their tone light, watching for changes in body language and freezing whenever it seemed the creature was once again nervous.
After a few moments, Gundham was slowly leaning onto the ground, close enough to hold the lettuce out to the beast if they stretched their arm. It hesitated a moment, but eventually relented, crunching down on the lettuce in Gundham's palms.
Gundham released their breath, their body relaxing. “Good girl,” they repeated, smiling at the small, powerful thing now sharing their presence.
Gundham was prepared for the rabbit to scamper off once the lettuce was eaten and gone, but, once it was, they paused when they realized that it hadn't. Instead, it stayed with them, staring at them. Gundham held up both hands, showing their palms to the creature, in order to show it that they had no treats left.
Instead of leaving once Gundham had nothing more to offer it, the rabbit stuck around with the demon which had earned its trust; approaching Gundham a bit more, then flopping over right in front of them. They tried not to let their reaction show in their body language, for fear of scaring the beast off, but their heart raced. This was a sign of rabbit contentment, and trust above all else.
Gundham held their hand out to check if it was okay, and, seeing no change in the rabbit's body language, began to pet its soft, brown fur.
The beasts of this realm were cast out by humanity, like themself. They were trustworthy, they were straightforward, and Gundham felt as if they could understand them much easier than their human peers.
But most of all, these beasts didn't see them as 'weird', 'too loud', 'too much'. They didn't scorn their usage of nail polish or refusal to socialize in the way in which a human male is supposed to.
They don't see them as a human male at all.
The beasts of Earth didn't know, nor care, about the state of one's humanity, nor did they understand what humans saw as 'gender'. They did not expect for anyone to perform any level of 'appropriate' self-expression or pleasantries...
They just saw the beings around them as who they were, and nothing more, so long as the same was extended to them.
I studied the "canon" of Gundham's delusions for this fic, and did you know that Gundham isn't actually consistent with their ideas? To name one example: depending on when you ask, Gundham will either describe themself as the child of an angel and a devil, or of a human and a demon. His understanding of spirituality also seems to be rooted in Abrahamic religions, despite his interests in spells and magic. Just something interesting that I learned while writing!
Fandom: Danganronpa
Characters: Gundham Tanaka, Gundham Tanaka's Mother (mentioned)
Words: 4,635
Content Warnings: Implied bullying
Tropes: Nonbinary Character (Gundham Tanaka), Autistic Character (Gundham Tanaka), Gender Dysphoria, Character Study, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: There were ways to die that didn't imply permanence. The lonely boy that Gundham Tanaka used to be died long ago, and was reborn as a demon. Despite this, Gundham was cursed with having to be raised amongst the mortals present on planet Earth, and, more specifically, the expectations of a mortal placed upon them.
(Or: middle school-age Gundham Tanaka explaining their gender dysphoria and neurodivergence through the lens of their grandiose self-image.)
This was written late last year, as my contribution to the "Transitioning to Joy" trans Danganronpa zine! I'm very excited to share it.
Also, yes, another fic where I use being nonhuman as a means of exploring deviations from the norm. I will not grow! I will not change! And expect even more in the future!
When you are presented with only two options for being, and neither appeals to you, sometimes, one doesn't seek out a third option. Instead, one may look for why it is that they are unhappy with the two options presented. Everyone around them has picked one or the other without a problem, after all. But they keep arriving back at this question. From where does this sense of the distortion of the self originate? Why is it that they cannot connect to those around them? Why are they unable to look at their physical form without revulsion?
The idea of having a human form, of any gender, ready to be perceived and judged, disgusts them.
Of course. Of course.
The common denominator is humanity.
Gundham Tanaka; otherwise known as the Supreme Overlord of Ice, Tanaka the Forbidden One, et cetera; was cursed with powers from the underworld, due to them being born a child of both Heaven and Hell. They were cursed to be shunned by humanity, cursed with poisoned flesh... But, most of all, cursed with having to be raised amongst the pathetic human race.
For a while, Gundham couldn't be bothered to do anything with their corporeal form. Even if it was what humans would perceive them by, they began to feel less and less of a desire to attempt to make themself appear presentable. What did it matter? They were always just going to look like what they disguised themself as, in the end. Just a 14-year-old human male.
But, recently, they had begun to get up early to give themself time to fuss over their appearance a bit. They had found ways to spark some sort of joy with their appearance, even if it was always going to resemble that of a male human.
It had begun when they had gone up to scratch their own face one day, and froze when they felt a new texture. From then on, they began to almost obsessively shave their face every morning, whether they needed it or not. That evolved into actual attempts to do something with their hair, which led to now; putting on the baggiest clothes they could manage, painting their nails black (sometimes resorting to Sharpie, if their nail polish couldn't be found), and basically anything else they could manage to find joy in what they saw in the mirror.
Demons are the only ones who can see their own reflections. They are a bit like vampires, in that way... But they all pretend that they can't see their reflection. Each for their own reasons.
Gundham left the bathroom after getting ready, and closed the door behind them.
They noticed a field rabbit on their way to school.
It wasn't just their own human form from which Gundham felt a distance from. It was also present with their human peers, as well.
It only made sense, of course. There was no attempt to hide that Gundham was considered extremely odd, even from Gundham themself. Those around Gundham saw through them; they had known Gundham was not of their kind before Gundham had figured it out themself. They were Other, and, for that reason, those around them constantly searched for reasons to deny them their humanity. Gundham struggled to fit in with their male peers. Their female ones shied away on principle of their human form's appearance. And all of Gundham's peers, regardless of gender, told Gundham that they were valued (because who would openly admit to not valuing another human?), but treated them as if they were not. They were not 'human'. Instead, they were 'weird', 'too loud', 'too much'. They didn't look or act like boys were supposed to; or, really, how anyone of any gender was supposed to.
Eventually, this solitude starved the young human boy that Gundham used to be to his death. They buried him in their backyard in secret.
That boy had been just so lonely. You know?
He had been just so, so lonely.
There were ways to die that didn't imply permanence. Gundham was reborn as the demon they were now from that past self. And when they look back at the human that they used to be, they wonder how it was that they kept him alive for so long.
They supposed it didn't matter. Their souls would become one, once they reunited in Gehenna. And Gundham wasn't “too loud” anymore, out of a self-conscious disgust for their continuously deepening voice.
Gundham tried to honor the young boy's legacy by avoiding the peers that starved him whenever they could manage. Especially physical education classes. They had always felt awkward in the men's locker room, and, nowadays, felt even more so due to having to change into clothes with fewer layers, less coverage.
Very few humans would give the time of day to a demon. But, of the mortals in their middle school, there were a few who extended their hand, in spite of Gundham’s own poisoned flesh. Of those included the nurse, who Gundham visited every day, when it was time for physical education.
She smiled when she saw Gundham, and they felt as if such an expression was meant for someone else. “Hello, Tanaka!” (Gundham wouldn't have minded if she called them their first name, but never corrected her.) “Is it the usual issue?”
'The usual issue,' of course, being nausea. It was Gundham's go-to excuse to camp in the infirmary. You could disprove many claims to injury, but you couldn't disprove one feeling nauseous. Gundham nodded in response. “Indeed.”
The nurse grinned again; this time, with a knowing sort of slant to it. She seemed to know that Gundham wasn't actually sick every day, at the same time, with the same issue... She just allowed it. Understood it.
This extent of understanding, without any push for more information, was why she was a member of their tribe.
“Well, lay down and I'll get you some water and crackers.”
Ah, that reminded them. They needed to ask to trade some of their mother's own poisonous food for a bit of lettuce at lunch. (Or maybe, they could get lettuce in exchange for not giving a student their mother's food.)
Gundham’s last class was their favorite. Especially on days when the animal raising committee wasn't meeting after school, like today. This is because of the tiny, palm-sized demon beast, barely contained by a cage next to the teacher's desk.
Gundham had become so disconnected from their body and their peers that humanity was often an afterthought to them. Instead, they sought out the company of beasts. The animals of this realm; often also outcast or mistreated for being less than human. But, in spite of that, the beasts proved far more trustworthy than humans. Gundham understood these creatures on another level; resonating with each species for one reason or another. Cats, for being expected to behave like dogs, and being hated when they instead act as their own beings. Bears, for their fierce desire to protect those they love. And rodents, perhaps, most of all, for being misjudged by their appearance. Seen as powerless and dismissed due to their small size.
On their way home that day, Gundham sought out the field rabbit that they had seen before. They found it rather quickly, camping out in a small bush near where it had been previously. Upon locking eyes with the beast, it poised to run, and Gundham froze in place, with the exception of reaching into their jacket pocket to pull out the bit of lettuce that they had gotten from their peer.
Once the rabbit's ears had perked forward a bit, showing relaxation, Gundham began to approach, small steps at a time, and holding out the treat. “Good girl,” they muttered, keeping their tone light, watching for changes in body language and freezing whenever it seemed the creature was once again nervous.
After a few moments, Gundham was slowly leaning onto the ground, close enough to hold the lettuce out to the beast if they stretched their arm. It hesitated a moment, but eventually relented, crunching down on the lettuce in Gundham's palms.
Gundham released their breath, their body relaxing. “Good girl,” they repeated, smiling at the small, powerful thing now sharing their presence.
Gundham was prepared for the rabbit to scamper off once the lettuce was eaten and gone, but, once it was, they paused when they realized that it hadn't. Instead, it stayed with them, staring at them. Gundham held up both hands, showing their palms to the creature, in order to show it that they had no treats left.
Instead of leaving once Gundham had nothing more to offer it, the rabbit stuck around with the demon which had earned its trust; approaching Gundham a bit more, then flopping over right in front of them. They tried not to let their reaction show in their body language, for fear of scaring the beast off, but their heart raced. This was a sign of rabbit contentment, and trust above all else.
Gundham held their hand out to check if it was okay, and, seeing no change in the rabbit's body language, began to pet its soft, brown fur.
The beasts of this realm were cast out by humanity, like themself. They were trustworthy, they were straightforward, and Gundham felt as if they could understand them much easier than their human peers.
But most of all, these beasts didn't see them as 'weird', 'too loud', 'too much'. They didn't scorn their usage of nail polish or refusal to socialize in the way in which a human male is supposed to.
They don't see them as a human male at all.
The beasts of Earth didn't know, nor care, about the state of one's humanity, nor did they understand what humans saw as 'gender'. They did not expect for anyone to perform any level of 'appropriate' self-expression or pleasantries...
They just saw the beings around them as who they were, and nothing more, so long as the same was extended to them.
I studied the "canon" of Gundham's delusions for this fic, and did you know that Gundham isn't actually consistent with their ideas? To name one example: depending on when you ask, Gundham will either describe themself as the child of an angel and a devil, or of a human and a demon. His understanding of spirituality also seems to be rooted in Abrahamic religions, despite his interests in spells and magic. Just something interesting that I learned while writing!
Tags:
- character:main:gundham tanaka,
- character:side:gundham tanaka's mother,
- event:zine,
- fandom:danganronpa,
- length:3k to 5k,
- length:oneshot,
- rating:teen and up audiences,
- relationship:gen,
- tropes:autistic character,
- tropes:autistic character:gundham,
- tropes:character study,
- tropes:gender dysphoria,
- tropes:hurt/comfort,
- tropes:nonbinary character,
- tropes:nonbinary character:gundham,
- type:fanfiction,
- year:2024
